Maggie Musings

The other day while dozing off on the couch, my dazed, pre-sleep brain was contemplating how to wrap my birthday presents for Phil.

At first, I was thinking to wrap them all separately... but then I had vague apprehensions along the lines of it maybe coming across as too much cuz I know he's not that into the whole birthday thing. But then, all sleepy and what-not I thought, "But if I put them all in the same box, and he shakes it, then something might break." But then another me countered, "You dork, nothing in that package is breakable!" Chimes another me, "But if I put an egg in it, THAT'D sure teach him to shake his birthday presents. Hehe... sucker."

Then I forgot all about Phil and his upcoming birthday, and got lost in wishes of having a friend who compulsively shook all of his/her presents. As a practical joke I would wrap a box with dozens of loose raw eggs in it, JUST so that when they shook it I could jump in and say, "AHA!! That'll teach YOU to try an' count your chickens before they're hatched!" And then I peacefully dozed off with a smile upon my lips.

Word for the wise...

Baking cookies in a breadpan (as opposed to cookie sheet)= no go.

In other breaking news:

1. I had a double candle melt-down (you know, where the liquid wax melts the surrounding stuff unevenly and it busts forth like a miniature dam exploding, extinguishing your "mood" lighting and making a mess).

2. I suspect that there's something not-right about how the gas line is connected to my oven. I think it was the smell when I turned it on that tipped me off. Either that or my cookies smell FOUL. Unless you're into that whole gas station aroma thing wafting through your kitchen...

3. I am allergic to a certain "parfum" in lotions they have at work and it makes me MASSIVELY break out within minutes. Of course lotions never identify their particular scents either, so that's really helpful to know. So for now I guess "blue bottles=bad" will have to be my operative maxim.

4. My mom is like 50 times cooler when we're not living together.

5. She's so much cooler that when I woke up the other night at 2:30am and my left arm was numb and called her convinced that I was ABOUT to have a heart attack she talked me down. I even managed to fall back asleep afterwards, despite the paralyzing fear that I might die in my sleep and not even know it. I did however have to change into cute panties first-- just in case. Grandma always advised to make sure you always have nice panties on in case you had to go to the hospital. Better safe than humiliated.

6. I keep getting into weird situations where I make cool friends, but not the kind that you can mesh with your other cool friends. Unfortunate.

7. I'm two papers, 4 exams, and 4 work shifts away from sanity and new projects. I like new projects. I also like sleep. Mmmm... sleep.

8. This is a little naughty, but I've realized why exams are so much harder for me this time around. In the past I've usually had a boyfriend around to makeout with. As HORRIBLE as it may sound, it's excellent stress relief. And endorphins are good for studying/alertness/etc. Pity. Guess I'm hitting the gym.

9. I absolutely abhor when professors assign busy-work. I'm way too cool for that shit.

10. I'm coming down with a cold. Don't share anything with me, and keep your Purrell handy.

11. Bubble baths don't solve everything.

12. Trucks going over potholes in the middle of the night might sound like an intruder opening your front door. But don't be fooled. Cuz you'll look like an idiot.

13. Little I say in the first 10 minutes after I wake up can be trusted. Especially if it has anything to do with cornmeal, the song "Good Vibrations," or scooters.

14. Pussy willows are an excellent substitute for baby's breath in a bouquet on your kitchen table in the spring. For real.

15. Living alone=increased cell phone minute usage.

16. Bubblemix is not an acceptable substitute for hand soap.

17. Bubblemix is not an acceptable substitute for dish soap.

18. Bubblemix makes furniture sticky. ... and is not an acceptable furniture cleaner.

19. Febreeze is not an acceptable substitute for laundering clothes.

20. "Ironing" dresses by hanging them up while you take a sinfully long shower has its distinct limitations.

annnnnd that's about all I got.

FRUSTRATION

So here I am. Lying in my insanely comfy bed. I'm insanely tired. Only slept 5 hrs when I last slept. Already have had a long day what with lectures and labs and homework and what have you. I'm freaking tired. I'm going to be up ALL NIGHT LONG at work, then I'm going straight to school, ON A SATURDAY, to take a stupid CPR refreshment course. Plus Matt gets home tomorrow and so I'm not going to get much sleep before I go straight BACK to work TOMORROW night.

But I can't sleep.

Why can't I sleep? Because there's so much more that COULD BE DONE. I could be updating my resume. I could be applying to even more positions at even more hospitals in order to cash in on the whole tuition reimbursement programs the offer (which, incidentally, would account for 3/4 of my personal payments), not to mention the higher wages. I could be cleaning up in my kitchen. I could be smogging my car and heading over to the DMV-- like I've been planning on doing the last 3 consecutive days. I could be doing laundry over at my parents and completing my move over here. I could be writing any number of papers. Preparing for any number of classes. I could be straightening up my planner and clarifying all my upcoming obligations so I don't miss anything. I could be taking care of all of next months bills. I could be planning out my budget for next month. I could be solving any number of minor crises in my life before they become major ones. I could even be putting on some freaking chapstick so my lips don't chap. All these stupid little (and not so little) things come back to haunt me the second my head hits the pillow.

ALL I WANT IS TO FREAKING SLEEP.

But I can't. So I'm gonna get up, shower, run over to the smog place/DMV, head over to my mom's, update my resume while I'm doing laundry, and start chipping away at some of this crap. Why? Why would I do this when I still have a good 5.5 hrs I could actually be sleeping before work? Because it's impossible to sleep the sleep of the just when you haven't crossed out 2/3 of your to-do list. That's why.

Man, I'm pissed...

I have written...

A total of 24 pages worth of scholastic papers and two blog entries in the last 24 hours. Not to mention all the notes I've taken. That's just sick. I think my brain's run out of words....

I think some sleep might solve this.

Haven't slept since the day before yesterday.

Just got home from work. Leave for school in 10 more minutes.

Eating some oatmeal with flaxseed to re-energize.

Can't wait for coffee to be ready.

Class will be stimulating. Compensation for lost sleep.

Ahhh. Life is good...

When there're things worth doing.

SNOW DAY!!!

Having slept a paltry 2 hours since Monday afternoon, my enthusiasm levels about this snow day are THROUGH THE ROOF. I'm more excited than a little kid on Christmas! I have spent all yesterday afternoon/evening studying for two Tests I was supposed to have back to back at school this morning- one in Chemistry, one in Anatomy & Physiology. And they're the first for each class, so I really don't know what level of difficulty to expect. I was supposed to go straight from work to school to take them. In fact, I spent a good 3 more hours at work (inbetween rounds and on my breaks) studying, I was so nervous about it.

But not anymore. Milwaukee's getting a good 12-16 inches of snow today. And the roads are crap. We're being blanketed in violent ThunderSnow (yeah, they actually call it that). I'm not too excited about the snow itself, but my gosh is it great to have more time for studying. And now those test won't be on the same day, and I'll be well rested for them. PLUS, I'm already prepared for them and can focus on long term memory as opposed to cramming. This is excellent. Simply outstanding.

And with that, I'm off to bed...

A bizarre little dilemma

Okay. So I have this little problem where I clench my right fist while I sleep. Fine. Kinda silly, but whatever, right? Wrong.

It's driving me crazy. I guess I clench it so hard while I'm asleep that it goes completely numb. Painfully numb. So much so that it wakes me up every night (hmm. day?) while I'm sleeping and I have to sit there trying to wake it up and get blood back into it. Very unpleasant in the middle of the night (I know. Day.) while you're trying to sleep- we're talking beyond mere pins and needles numb here. For the last couple weeks (yeah, this has been going on for a while) I've had to keep my fingernails real short so they don't break the skin. I've tried keeping something balled up in my hand so it won't clench so hard, tying things around it... it doesn't work, or stay that way. And now my wrist/forearm is chronically sore from it, and almost more concerning are the random stabs of pain during the day (when I'm awake). I'm getting pretty crabby about it. Suggestions? And does anyone else have weird "problems" like this??

I have slept 6 hours...

Out of the last 48.

So, anyone up for dinner and a movie this afternoon or evening, perchance? Maybe a little iceskating? A teaparty with my new totally kick*** teaset?

dream analysis

I had this crazy high stress dream where someone dear to me died, was killed, and I was mourning their death. The dream took place underwater and I was trying to mourn or cope with their death. One of my brothers lead me swimming deep underwater to see this school of beautiful, delicate, whispy little blue fish with red, plastic-feather like tails. It was very peaceful. But then everything went all awry because they went from being beautiful to look at to swamping me and trying to swim in my mouth and down my throat. And that's where the stress came in because I was totally panicking trying to vomit them up, or rather their tails because their bodies suddenly didn't exist anymore and keep them out of my mouth but they wouldn't stop swimming in and were all dying- being killed by me?-, and I wanted no part of it. It was weird. And as soon as they swamped me I was all alone, and after it was over I was really sad and still by myself.

So since I'm the only one I know awake at this hour and I have nothing better to do, I've decided to try and analyze my dream. I went through what I just wrote and searched what words I could in the dream dictionary, and this is what the different parts of my dream are supposed to represent:

Death- To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances.
Killed- To dream that someone has been killed, suggests that their actions are disconnected from their emotions.
Mourning- To dream that you are in mourning, refers to your inability to let go of the past. You need clear those old experiences and make way for the new. To dream that you are wearing mourning, symbolizes grief, bad luck, and unhappiness.
Underwater- To dream that you are underwater, suggests that you are feeling overcome with emotions and are in need of greater control in your life. You may be in over your head regarding some situation. To dream that you are breathing underwater, represents a retreat back into the womb. You want to return to a state where you were dependent and free from responsibilities. Perhaps you are feeling helpless, unable to fulfill your own needs and caring for yourself. Alternatively, you may be submerged in your emotions.
Swimming- To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. To dream that you are swimming underwater, suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your emotional difficulties.
Brother- To see your brother in your dream, may symbolize some aspect of your relationship with him. It can also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has certain characteristics/behavior similar to your brother's.
Peace- To dream of peace and tranquility, indicates an end or a resolution to an emotional issue or inner conflict. It may signal and end of a cycle and the pause before the beginning of a new endeavor. It also suggest that you have reached a new level of stability and calmness. Alternatively, the maddening quietness may refer to the calm before the storm.
Fish- To see fish swimming in your dream, signifies insights from your unconscious mind. Thus to catch a fish, represents insights which have been brought to the surface. The fish is also an ancient symbol of Christianity and Christian beliefs. It may also imply a slippery or elusive situation. To dream that you are eating fish, symbolizes your beliefs, spirituality, luck, energy and nourishment. It is food for the soul. To see a dead fish, signifies disappointment and loss of power/wealth.
Blue- Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind. Depending on the context of your dream, the color blue may also be a metaphor of "being blue" and feeling sad.
Red- Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations.
Red is also the color of danger, shame, sexual impulses and urges.
Tails- To see only the tail of an animal in your dream, signifies annoyances and complications in situations where pleasure was surely to be expected.
Feathers- To dream of feathers floating in the air, signifies a life of ease, comfort, warmth and of financial gains. It may describe your lightheartedness and enjoyment for life. Alternatively, they may represent confusion, hastiness, and lost of dignity.
Plastic- To see plastic objects in your dream, suggests that you are being fake and artificial. You are not being genuine and true to yourself.
Mouth- To see a mouth in your dream, signifies your need to express yourself or talk about an issue that's bothering you.
Throat- To see your throat in your dream, symbolizes the ability to express yourself and communicate your thoughts/ideas.
Killing- To dream that you killed someone, forewarns that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. This dream may also represent a part of you or your life that you wish would leave you alone and stop creating a nuisance. Killing may represent the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.
Panic- To dream that you are in a panic, indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.
Distress- To dream that you or others are in distress, suggest that things will turn out better than you expected. You will find that all your worries were for nothing and need to lighten up.
Abhorrence- To dream that you abhor a person, denotes a strange dislike for some person, and your suspicions of his integrity and honesty will prove correct. Difficult times are also ahead for you in the near future.
Vomit- To dream that you are vomiting, indicates that you need to reject or discard an aspect of your life that is revolting. There are some emotions or concepts that you need to confront and then let go.
Sad- To dream that you are sad, suggests that you need to learn from your disappointments and make yourself happy.
Alone- To dream that you are alone, indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you.

So now I'm sitting here scratching my head not QUITE sure what to make of that all, but definitely wondering if I really have as many more issues right now than I thought I did. Stupid dreams.

Top 10 Reservations About Working 3rd Shift:

1. It's in the middle of the night and you have to stay awake.
2. The light-headed haze that hits around 2 or 3am and doesn't leave until the 6am euphoria.
3. Saying "See you tonight!" to your coworkers as you're leaving work... tomorrow sounds much better, even if the math is the same.
4. Getting caught in the trap of thinking you're somehow cheating the systems beause you're working full time and still have ALL DAY LONG to do whatever you want, forgetting that sleep can only be put off so long.
5. Only talking to sleepy people all shift long.
6. Getting lost in the winding, identical halls in the basement and realizing that in addition to not being sure exactly how many elevator shafts there are in this building and that they don't all go through even if they lead to the right floor, you also don't know if one of those endless rows of doors leads into a morgue or not, and what sort of characters to expect to run into.
7. Security guards are a reason to whip around and quickly walk away in the opposite direction when you're alone.
8. Day time people still expect you to be on the same schedule as them and get selfish about your time.
9. When do you do homework?
10. On the few nights you are off (like tonight, for example), other than catch up on a little homework, what are you supposed to do? Sleep sounds like a trick answer: it's hard enough to change your sleep schedule. And it's not like there's THAT much to do by yourself in the middle of the night... other than blog, I guess...

On Sleeping In

Somehow after years and years of making this same mistake, I still am able to delude myself into thinking that if I let myself sleep in on the weekend I'll get more done later in the day. It is just not true. See, not only have you wasted the high-impact hours of the day where you can get the most done, but you also wake up feeling groggy and blah, so you just aren't very productive. How can I be so fully aware of this after the fact EVERY SINGLE TIME, but still manage to be so utterly convinced as I shut off my alarm that this is 'for my own good.' Seriously. I gotta find a way to stop lying to myself in the mornings on the weekend...

sleepy

My eyes keep closing... and I force them open... again... but I still can't remember the crazy unit lookup name... or my boot size.... and my eyes keep closing... with my finger on one of the keyssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I give up.

insomnia and stress

There is nothing worse than going to bed and lying there for HOURS and HOURS thinking about all the things you still need to get done and haven't. This is incredibly depressing, especially after a particularly productive day. So now in addition to being uber-stressed, exhausted and unable to sleep, I'm depressed and feeling crappy about myself.

Also, people are hurtful and dramaful. Dramaful, by the way, is not a word. But it should be.

So in short, I'm sad and frustrated and am never speaking to anyone other than myself again just in case they go dramatory (also, not a word) on me.

Neti Pots

Okay, I am now officially a Neti Pot convert.

My dear brother Matt, a daily jala neti practitioner for some time now, got me a pot (SinuCleanse being readily available at local pharmacies, and incidentally formulated and marketed by my second cousin, Diane Heatley, M.D. I've got an awesome family, what can I say.) because I was coming down with a cold and my sinuses were clearly stuffed up. Not only is this the fastest recovery time I've ever had for a cold, but I can BREATH BETTER than normally, even while sick! It's crazy how much better I can breathe, I'm in shock. Also, it's been helping me sleep through the night... I've known for a long time I have some mild form of sleep apnea, common enough but whatcha gonna do really... but I've noticed I wake up a lot less and am not as restless while sleeping since I started netiing daily. It's fantastic.

I think everybody should start cleaning their noses as often as their teeth.

Also, it helps with allergies, nasal congestion, dry air, post-smoking or being around a campfire getting all that crap out, shortening the length of a cold, post-nasal drip, all sorts of things. So yeah. Get a neti pot, guys. It's great.

Grrr

I think I was bitten by the largest spider known to Midwestern man. There's a welt from it on my leg the size of a walnut. I presently have 5 fresh spider bites on my body. Death count only 11. They're even in my dreams.

I feel like I'm losing the war.

I can't sleep...

So I thought I'd share my late thoughts. I'm generous like that.

I think it's kinda profound that a butterfly's wings are thinner than paper... yet it can fly. Maybe it's not really flying... but just too light to resist the wind. I must test this hypothesis.

I think that it is very wise to not eat yellow snow.

If my brothers brains were bananas, he wouldn't even be able to get a monkey interested in him.

God Hates Stupid. 'Nuff said.

I read somewhere that "some peoples minds are like concrete...thoroughly mixed up and permanently set." I've met that guy. I'm gonna buy him a jackhammer.

I also read something along the lines of "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes." That made me giggle.

Pertinent to my current situation, I've taken the liberty of supplementing the Bible. "And on the 8th day, God created the internet... and on the 13th day from 2:04am to 2:07am, it worked."

Disfunctional Day

I think I'm getting sick.

First of all, I have this nasty thing on the corner of my mouth that won't heal... partly because it cracks open and can't heal because I open my mouth at least once a day. I think it's infected.

Second, I have a really vivid dream last night where I cut off a shock of my hair in anger. And then I woke up... and... there was a shock of hair next to me that apparently I had cut off IN MY SLEEP with a steak knife. Riiiiight.

Third, I slept 12 hours and am still TOTALLY exhausted and COLD in the middle of the summer. It feels like my body's trying to shut down. Makes no sense.

Fourth, so I made myself go to the gym anyways, hoping I was tired because I slept too much... just to FAINT in the freaking shower when I got home and NAIL my head on the side of the tub.

Which, Fifth, didn't really help my headache. In fact, it morphed it into a splitting headache, accompanied by mild nausea and dizziness. I'm glad I keep lots of painkillers on hand. I'm pissed off that that happened.

So yeah. I'm crabby. And I think fighting some sort of messed up sickness.

The Opal Ring and The Devil

That last post reminds me of something...

Okay, so I guess there is a counter-argument for why I shouldn't get Grams' ring. And that argument lies in the story of The Opal Ring and the Devil.

My sister Liz had an opal ring from the guy she dated in highschool, a really beautiful one. When they (finally) broke up he let her keep it, but she felt odd wearing it, especially once she started seeing someone else. Being a fantastic, wonderful older sister, she let me have the ring.

I loved it.

I used to wear it all the time, but then one night I had a dream. In my dream the Devil was there and he wanted the Opal in my ring and I wouldn't give it to him. I mean seriously, if the Devil asks you for something, would "Yeah, sure! Lemme get it for you!" be YOUR response? It's a total differnt story than a mugger or some skeeze on the streets. So right, he got angry at me and was trying to take it anyways, and we started quarreling. But I guess that was too lame for him and he wasn't making progress fast enough, so he pulled out a chainsaw and was using it to remove the Opal from the setting in the ring while it was on my finger?? (It was a dream, mind you. Or was it?) There was screaming and loud chainsaw noises and tiny shiny metal bits flying everywhere and lots of confusion, and that's all I remember.

When I woke up I was a little shaky- who likes dreaming about the Devil? But then I looked down at the ring- still on my finger!- and guess what was missing?? The freaking Opal! The ring and setting were still there, but no opal. I'm dead serious about this. Ask my family. So I start screaming and babbling and blubbering and tearing through my bed sheets and pretty much every nook and cranny of my room trying to find it. No Opal. No one could find it ANYWHERE. It was there the night before when I brushed my teeth, but now the next morning after the Devil robbery it was missing. Pretty crazy.

So yeah, if you were irrational and superstitious I guess you could make an argument that I shouldn't get the Gramma Ring, especially considering how much more valuable it is- the Devil might covet this one, too. But that's only if you're superstitious and irrational.

It's... so...... coooooold.

I am so excited. A friend of Matt's gave us her heated mattress pad today. I will never wake up shivering again!!

Seriously, it's been in the negatives this week, with wind chill so insanely cold that you find your body involuntarily spasming just from being out in it a minute or so. At least mine does. I mean seriously. We couldn't even wash the rental cars at work in the heated car wash because all the same they turn to iceballs and by the time we drive them up to the airport all the doors are iced shut and the windows glazed over. And then there's poor old me. It really doesn't help my intense aversion to the cold that my car's heater core is broken, either. This means that as I'm shuddering and spasming with cold I have to turn the freaking air (yes, -5 degree air and colder) on intermittently to counter-act the fogging effect of my breath before it freezes to the windshield making it impossible to see. Every day. For at least a 25 minute drive. Several times. It's ridiculous. I have to use the windshield scraper on the windows on the INSIDE of the car, too. Sigh. Time's like these I pretend I'm Orphan Annie and sing "It's a Hard-Knock Life" to keep my spirits up.

But least now I can sleep warm. Sleep is the greatest.

I'm gonna go pre-heat my bed now...

My rage problem.

Yeah. Rage. It's seriously been getting a little out of control again lately. The three main things I've noticed that consistently set me off are:

1) Customer service when "customer service" means nothing other than giving the customer whatever the hell they want for free so long as they bitch long enough for it, and then having to act like they deserved it on top of it all when you both know they're full of shit. Seriously, people. Have you consumers no shame?? I especially love it when they say things like "Let's not forget I'm the customer here. And I'm not happy." Oh, and that one by the way? They were getting EXACTLY what they reserved, but they decided they wanted something better for the same price because LAST time some schmuck gave it to them for the same price. Dear Lord. Cry me a river, and get fuck away from my counter.

2) Being woke up. I can't get angry thinking about this one- I know it's totally irrational. But in the moment, I swear... something in me instantaneously combusts and I become this heat-seaking missile headed for whatever the hell it was that disturbed me. I guess I genuinely just prefer to be unconscious than not. Anyways.

3) The last thing is chicks who're going after my brothers who act like they're good friends with me. Like, somehow, if you've got an in with my bro we're automatically best buds? I don't get it. I think respect above and beyond what you'd offer a stranger has to be earned. Maybe that's not fair of me. But that's life, huh?


So, yeah. That's about all I got to say about that.