Bitterness and Grief

Call me shallow, but I'm really upset about how my roommate (I try not to focus on how he's also my brother... makes it too personal...) murdered my daffodils the other night. I was so proud of myself. It's the first plant I've ever had that I've remember to water. They have a really nifty "vase/pot" that's a like a fish bowl but open at the top with a downwards slant, cool little rocks and foilage stuff in it, and it had two beautiful blossoms that became three thanks to my nurturing. I'm trying to prove that I can nurture plants because if I can nurture plants I can probably nurture pets and if I can nurture pets I can maybe nurture babies. Maybe I've got something to prove here.

But regardless, the point is that he sabotaged my attempt at proving I could nurture by opening the window upon which sill my plant was resting (for optimal sunlight-- it was not left there out of negligence!!) and exposed it to freezing temperatures, crippled it with frost, and thus made me a failure. It doesn't look like she'll recover, though I still have faint hopes.

And I'm very upset about this. Even bitter. Possibly in the first stage of grieving.

Sigh.

Firsts

Since this is my First post of '09, I think I'll dedicate it to this year's firsts so far:

I spent the first minute of this year (and beyond) supporting a whispy leukemia patient while he puked his frail little guts out. Then after he recovered he looks over at me sidelong and says "well happy new year anyway", completely flat affect.

I took my first formal vacation in a LOOOOONG LOOOONG time. Just nothing to do but spend time with My Favorite, swim in the pool, soak in the jacuzzi, and shudder in the snowy cold on the way to the bar and grill.

I went to Door County for the first time. It was great. See above.

I had my first real in-the-hospital clinical as a nurse (-ing student). And a bunch more since then. And they're awesome. This semester I'm working with new mommas and babies for the first half, and then psychiatric patients for the second.

I went to my first hockey game. And I am SOLD. I never thought of myself as a potential sports fan, but I'm really digging going to Admiral's hockey games. Milwaukee fans are total hams. (rhyming's fun. :)) And Hockey is the manliest sport ever. Our boys really should play hockey.

I gave an infant her first bath for the first time at the hospital during clinicals. It was fantastic-- babies love a good soak. So do I.

I witnessed my first surgery-- a C-section. We got all dressed up in surgical scrubs and booties and caps and masks and everything and were watching just a couple feet away from the gaping whole of gore that was her tummy. It was INTENSE. I'm still in shock and awe from it. And the baby was absolutely perfect...

I touched a placenta for the first time. What an amazing organ. The arteries are as big as my pinky!! No wonder there's so much bleeding...

I performed my first Assessment on an actual patient. A post-op (c-section again) momma. It was smoothly executed, thanks to the litany of prayers I said prior. :) (My second assessment was on her 3-hr-old newborn... dreamy sigh)

I was slapped in the face and shoved against a wall by a patient for the first time (at work, not clinicals). He was very confused and aggressive from all the medication. So I'm not too bitter.

I watched a patient die of lung cancer for the first time. Massive amounts of blood, and blood clots, were coming out of his mouth... I guess an artery burst in his lungs or something... it was pretty horrific. His wife was present. Called STAT team, but it did no good.

Saw someone intubated for the first time. It didn't help. See above.

I took someone to a morgue for the first time. (Also, same man.) It was a long hall that you had to call on a phone to be let into. Once in, there was absolutely no one there. Just a long empty hall with Autopsy rooms lining it. At the end of the hall there was a walk-in cooler, suspiciously like those in restaurants, with another phone where you call someone remote to ID the body, check correspondence of toe tags and bodybag tags and whatnot and be buzzed into the freezer. It was creepier than I would have expected.

I was referred to the ER by a doctor for the first time. I didn't go. I'm no wuss. (And I don't believe in wasting medical resources unnecessarily.)

I worked/schooled my first non-stop (no breaks) 26 hr day... just straight from work to class to a work again. (Sadly they're recurring far too often...)

I washed 5 simultaneous loads of laundry for the first time. No sense wasting time.

I heard Christopher West speak about Theology of the Body for the first time. Theology of the Body blows my mind. And fills me with unspeakably shy joyfulness. Guess I'm not there yet.

For the first time I have a specific doctor I can call "my doctor".

I have awesome health insurance for the first time ever. It's so nice not to have to worry about doctors bills and copays and whatnot. I just make an appointment and go. Plus aurora has all these online profiles of their doctors so I can read up on them on their specialties, look at their pictures, see their mini intro-clip and whatnot. "No, I don't want the UGLY doctor with a lisp! Let's see that other one again..."

For the first time I'm actually doubting whether or not I can pass a class. I mean I know I could if it was all I had to focus on... but in this context... with this much going on.... I'm really not sure if I can do it all at once.

I got my first Littman stethoscope (thanks mom!).

I bought my first pair of Crocs (despite DESPISING Crocs) because it's easier to wash blood and pee and bile and whatnot off of them. It's a purely practical move on my part. And don't worry, I have the "medical version" without the holes. No one's bleeding on my toes.


And yeah. That's about all I can think of right now...