Maggie Musings

The other day while dozing off on the couch, my dazed, pre-sleep brain was contemplating how to wrap my birthday presents for Phil.

At first, I was thinking to wrap them all separately... but then I had vague apprehensions along the lines of it maybe coming across as too much cuz I know he's not that into the whole birthday thing. But then, all sleepy and what-not I thought, "But if I put them all in the same box, and he shakes it, then something might break." But then another me countered, "You dork, nothing in that package is breakable!" Chimes another me, "But if I put an egg in it, THAT'D sure teach him to shake his birthday presents. Hehe... sucker."

Then I forgot all about Phil and his upcoming birthday, and got lost in wishes of having a friend who compulsively shook all of his/her presents. As a practical joke I would wrap a box with dozens of loose raw eggs in it, JUST so that when they shook it I could jump in and say, "AHA!! That'll teach YOU to try an' count your chickens before they're hatched!" And then I peacefully dozed off with a smile upon my lips.

Racial Dialogue

Lately I've been learning some interesting tidbits from my black coworkers at the nursing home about things that are culturally different between us. For example:

1. Black women wear brown, black, or purple panties underneath white pants/skirts so that their panties don't show through. Makes perfect sense. But that NEVER would have occured to me. Please don't ask how it came up.

2. When a black woman says "He favors so-and-so," don't be confused and think that it's a matter of social preference, because then she'll think you're an idiot. (Sigh. I'm such an idiot.) "Favors" in this context means "resembles."

3. Black hair is incredibly difficult to style, but once styled far easier to maintain. Also, it needs to be washed WAY WAY WAY less. Apparently this is because it's easier for oil/grease from your scalp to slide down a relatively straight/finer hair shaft than it is down a kinky-curly/coarse hair shaft, making split ends and moisture deficits more of an issue for them, and greasy hair more of an issue for us. This I knew. I guess I'm not really communicating the new knowledge I've learned, because I just realized it's too hard to explain hair styling for someone with as limited experience as I have. I'm not really into all that girly crap. I'm on top of things if I remember to brush it. I bought my first bottle of hairspray in around a decade a couple months ago and have hardly used it a half-dozen times. So much for that.

4. White girls often interact by talking lovey or flirting with each other. At least this is what I have observed, and what has been my experience- maybe I have creepy female friendships. This is not appropriate with any of the black women I work with. I've attempted to bond with some of the ones I'm closer to in this manner and they looked at me like I was crazy and I had to very frankly explain, no, I am not in fact a lesbian or in any way posing a threat to your sexuality-- I was just messing around and trying to bond with you. Then they thought I was even crazier.

5. The black women I work with seem to be vehemently opposed to interracial mixing, to the point where I would never DARE mention to the majority of them that I've dated black men in their presence for fear of being shunned or causing tensions in the workplace. I don't know if this is common, but it's incredibly pronounced with the women at work. I was talking to one woman who I'm closer friends with and it came up, and she told me point blank that she found interracial mixing offensive and even went so far to admit that it wasn't just on a sexual level, and when she told her sister she was going out to breakfast with me after work, her sister was affronted and asked her what the hell she thought she was doing hanging out with me. She said it was hard for her not to be embarrassed when her family all saw her being dropped off by her white girl friend. I was baffled by this. And honestly, it kinda hurt my feelings a little. Whatcha gonna do.

6. Okay, I don't know if this one is normal either, but let's talk about those head scarves that some black women wear. I had no idea, but apparently it's not just a fashion statement-- it's quasi-"political," kind of a flashback to how female slaves used to wear them on their heads in the fields. Our black supervising nurse said something to a black coworker about how she should not wear her headscarf in the building because it was inflammatory. I didn't see how it was in any way an issue- it was a floral print scarf, for goodness sake!- and asked her what on earth she meant. And apparently it's supposed to be reminiscent of slavery days, reminding people of the oppressiveness of their cultural heritage. She explained it as kind of like a "fuck you" (sorry) to white supremicists. I guess that while the younger generation (I'm assuming I'm not the only naive one) isn't aware, it's a bigger issue for all the racist old people at the nursing home and they find it offensive as there are lots of very racist old people (though some of them remember to try not to be openly). It was weird. I felt naive.

Okay, that's all I got. I wonder if this is a weird post. Is it not PC to talk about cultural differences? Hmmm. Dunno. Don't care. I thought it was interesting.

Why Stress? Delegate

OR: I've been taking gross advantage of my momma lately. ... But I think she likes it.

So yeah, I've had a lot going on with school and work and what have you lately. Plus, however much I gripe and moan about not sleeping enough on here, the fact is with my warped schedule when I actually DO have time to sleep I find that I'm not mentally prepared to: I get all anxious and can't.

But on the bright side, my mother is easily obtained to delegate tasks to when they're stressing me out. For example: Taxes. Seeing as how I didn't file for taxes last year until August or September, I know you all must be surprised that I'm filing early this year. But that's only because I haven't been making my tuition payments on time this semester and needed the cash to get caught up. Smooth. Buuuuut I just haven't had time to figure out the whole turbotax program and what have you, and as much as I heart H&R Block, so long as there's nothing horribly wrong with your taxes (eg, you're filing way late and haven't filed the year preceding and have multiple states, etc.) you might as well save your money and do it yourself. Sooooo I dropped a few hints and delegated to my all-too-willing momma.

And then there was the 50 year old women in several of my nursing classes going back to school because she's in the middle of an icky divorce and well.. you know... life changes. It'd been quite a while since she'd written a paper. So right, after draft 3 I was running out of time to do revisions and supposed to meet her again after class to go over it again. And there was mom. Soooo I told her my classmates sob story and soon enough I had delegated AGAIN and mom was revising her paper as I showered, brushed my teeth, and got ready for class. Excellent. She made all the same revisions I would have- and was more pleasant about it than I would have been, nonetheless.

So here is the question, really. My mom is willing to do these things for me, and it gives us things to talk about and what have you. Yet... I am technically taking advantage of her kindness. Then again... think of how many people you know who would be better off if they let their mothers do a thing or two for them. Everyone would be happier. Mom's like to help. Then again.... usery. Interesting conundrum.

Either I'm rather wise or heinously selfish.

Anyone who writes a post entitled, "Boring boring boring"...

... and then criticizes me for not having posted at all in the comments section of said post?

Well. That person should really have a good sit down and reasses their values. I think we'd all benefit from that.

Identify the Butt:

This is a picture of the bum of one of the women who commonly reads this blog.

Is it:
A) Lagartija
B) Krista
C) AsianKP
D) Gypsy Esmerelda
E) Rayna
F) Erin

And I Confess to you my brothers and sisters...

That I shamelessly bribed a United States Postal Worker with peanut brittle earlier this week.

She was closing up and trying to tell me I was too late to mail a package to Phil. So I got resourceful on her ass and busted out the brittle. It worked.

Breaking News

So three years later I finally deleted my previous blog from before Phil made me his partner on this one.

Took me long enough, eh?

instilling values in the youth of today

I've taken to teaching my 12 year old sister little life lessons in my free time in the form of rhymes. I think she can benefit greatly from these quaint maxims. For example:

"Whiny little girls aren't very nice; whiny little girls, I punish them thrice."

"Tattletales aren't very fun; tattletales: watch out for my gun."

"'Obey me now' is not a playful quip: obey me now or I'll bust out my whip."

I believe the value of Discipline and a firm hand cannot be overestimated in this day and age. Lemme know if you have any other suggestions...

Listerine

So yesterday I bought two bottles of Knobb Creek whiskey and one huge bottle of Listerine. I then transferred the Listerine into a huge rubbermaid thingy, and funneled the whiskey into the Listerine bottle, and packaged it up to ship to one of the guys in Phil's platoon named Eric. Apparently it's really dry in the desert, and that's been pretty tough on poor Eric. So, right. What kind of note do you enclose in a package to someone in Iraq with your boyfriend that you've never met while illegally sending him whiskey when he's at war? (They're not allowed to have alcohol over there, in case you didn't pick up on that.) Also, what else do you put in such a package? Just a hugie bottle of "Listerine"? I threw in some chewing gum and a batch of cookies for good measure.

I really didn't know what to write, though, and something in me rebels against sending packages without SOME form of written communication enclosed. So I opted for a super-smooth:

"Dear Eric, My boyfriend mentioned that you really could use some listerine. He said it's really hard to pretend that you're me and not you, especially when you have such poor dental hygiene. I also enclosed some chewing gum for on-the-run freshness....."

*I* thought it was funny, at any rate... dunno if they will.

Right-o. I'm gonna go get me another swill of all that Listerine I've got...

Leggo My Eggo

Okay, so I'm at the grocery store. And for some reason I find myself snatching the man in front of me's Eggo Waffles off the conveyor belt and looking at him expectantly with a goofy grin. He looked back at me in confusion. So I say, "umm... this is where you tell me to Leggo your Eggo's....?"

Hilarity ensued.

How I keep myself entertained at work.

Today at work as an act of rebellion against perverse notions of what good customer service is, and for my own personal enjoyment, I practiced staring people down.

Usually for at LEAST one out of every three contracts I write, there's a personal question like "What's your employer name?" or "May I have an alternate phone number?" that the customer doesn't want to answer, but it's our policy to obtain that information. So usually I give some polite excuse for why we need that information that's never the real one (we don't trust you with our car and need more information in case you steal/damage it) and coax them into telling us what I want to know. It's not a big deal, but they ALWAYS need coaxing and it's tedious and I get bored with it.

So instead I just repeat the question and stare at them with an empty half-smile that says "I don't particularly care about whatever you're bitching about and you're going to do as I say either way because I'm the one who has what YOU want, so oh well! :)" I of course only do this when there aren't any managers around. Also, sometimes if they're being particularly rude and snappy, I'll calmly hand their drivers license and credit card back to them immediately after repeating the question and step back a little. So it looks like I'm silently saying "I'm not going to rent to you unless you do as I say. Oh, and by the way? I'm in control." But in reality? I've really just already finished with their cards and don't need to see them anymore. Hehe. It's actually been really effective. And know what else? Funny thing is it helps with sales! It's like I've established myself as the alpha-dog, so they do what I say.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think this is necessarily good customer service on my part. I only pull this sort of thing on bitchy customers who're taking out their lost luggage and delayed flight anger on me by being difficult. Most of the time they don't really even care, they just want something ANYTHING to gripe about. Once they've established themselves as assholes... I just feel so comfortable having my own fun.


Sometimes I wonder if I live a really sad life. I also think I think too much. Sigh.

I have officially sworn off ethical conduct.

In my boozy state the other night I forgot to mention the most important part of our Bingo Night. I guess that means I successfully drank away my problems.

As hard-core Bingo Competitors we of course arrived early and staked out our seats at a table. While waiting, the lady next to us asked us to watch her things while she used the restroom. Right. So we were then faced with a rough decision. What if her Bingo Card was the winner? Should we switch, or should we not? We decided that we wouldn't, but if she won that we would never conduct ourselves in an ethical manner ever again. As I mentioned in my other post, Lady won $500 and we had to listen to her squeal about it for half an hour. I pretended to be happy for her. Real happy.

But really I died inside.