Crack Coffee
I cannot believe how much coffee Matt and I must drink.
To save money, we've been buying those big tubs of coffee that Folgers sells... it's nowhere near as good as the name brand cool beans stuff, but costs the same amount for like twice as much. So right, I actually LOOKED at this tub today... it's supposed to make 270 cups of coffee. Ummm... yeah. The two of us went through our last one in less than 3 weeks. Generous estimate. What on earth?? That's 135 cups each, divided by 21 days... supposedly 6.4 cups of coffee a day? But let's say my memory is flawed (it's not. trust me on this one.) and it was actually 4 weeks ago we bought our last tub that I used the last grounds of this morning... but that's STILL 4.8.... almost FIVE CUPS OF COFFEE EACH EVERY DAY.
I'm sorry, but this is just not true. Some days, sure, it's probably true. But I don't always drink coffee every day! I KNOW this for a FACT because I REMEMBER the frequency of the caffiene headaches I've been having. And Matt's not even HOME enough to drink that much!
And yet the coffee is gone. Puzzling.
So I've been reflecting on this, trying to account for the missing grounds. Does Matt have some mysterious other use for them? I don't. I wish I did, just so I could feel sneaky and mysterious about it. But I don't. And I doubt he does either. I concocted some deleriously entertaining fantasies on these lines trying to think up other crazy uses for coffee grounds that had to be kept secret, and how I'd go about it. It was a totally free 10 minutes of entertainment. But then I got bored and refoccussed on the puzzle.
And then I had a moment of clarity. Actually, it was a memory of an occurence that's happened so many times that the one memory actually represents a conglomerate of memories all nearly identical in substance. It's of myself, pouring a steaming cup of coffee that Matt has just brewed for me, darling boy that he is... and I put the mug to my lips... and find myself recoiling and making a face. "A face?" you inquire? What sort of face? I don't have a name for it exactly, but it's damn near identical to the same face I make when I down a shot of tequila. And this, mind you, is AFTER having added around 150cc of milk to it. (Yeah, shaddup. Kitchen measurements aren't my thing, I'm more of an eyeballer, and I can't recall the conversion from cc's at the moment. Though it is disgusting that the estimate I just gave for milk was derived by my mentally comparing it to the graduate I use at work to measure urine output.) But basically what I'm trying to say is I SOLVED THE MYSTERY!! Matt makes crack coffee, nearly 5 times as potent. (Judging by the figures earlier, probably only 2 or 3 times as potent, but I'm claiming artistic license for hyperbole here.) So we DO drink that much coffee! But qualitatively, not quantitatively, due to Matt's obstinate inability to brew a sane cup o' the good stuff.
Crazy. Maybe I should start watering mine down to save on milk instead...
To save money, we've been buying those big tubs of coffee that Folgers sells... it's nowhere near as good as the name brand cool beans stuff, but costs the same amount for like twice as much. So right, I actually LOOKED at this tub today... it's supposed to make 270 cups of coffee. Ummm... yeah. The two of us went through our last one in less than 3 weeks. Generous estimate. What on earth?? That's 135 cups each, divided by 21 days... supposedly 6.4 cups of coffee a day? But let's say my memory is flawed (it's not. trust me on this one.) and it was actually 4 weeks ago we bought our last tub that I used the last grounds of this morning... but that's STILL 4.8.... almost FIVE CUPS OF COFFEE EACH EVERY DAY.
I'm sorry, but this is just not true. Some days, sure, it's probably true. But I don't always drink coffee every day! I KNOW this for a FACT because I REMEMBER the frequency of the caffiene headaches I've been having. And Matt's not even HOME enough to drink that much!
And yet the coffee is gone. Puzzling.
So I've been reflecting on this, trying to account for the missing grounds. Does Matt have some mysterious other use for them? I don't. I wish I did, just so I could feel sneaky and mysterious about it. But I don't. And I doubt he does either. I concocted some deleriously entertaining fantasies on these lines trying to think up other crazy uses for coffee grounds that had to be kept secret, and how I'd go about it. It was a totally free 10 minutes of entertainment. But then I got bored and refoccussed on the puzzle.
And then I had a moment of clarity. Actually, it was a memory of an occurence that's happened so many times that the one memory actually represents a conglomerate of memories all nearly identical in substance. It's of myself, pouring a steaming cup of coffee that Matt has just brewed for me, darling boy that he is... and I put the mug to my lips... and find myself recoiling and making a face. "A face?" you inquire? What sort of face? I don't have a name for it exactly, but it's damn near identical to the same face I make when I down a shot of tequila. And this, mind you, is AFTER having added around 150cc of milk to it. (Yeah, shaddup. Kitchen measurements aren't my thing, I'm more of an eyeballer, and I can't recall the conversion from cc's at the moment. Though it is disgusting that the estimate I just gave for milk was derived by my mentally comparing it to the graduate I use at work to measure urine output.) But basically what I'm trying to say is I SOLVED THE MYSTERY!! Matt makes crack coffee, nearly 5 times as potent. (Judging by the figures earlier, probably only 2 or 3 times as potent, but I'm claiming artistic license for hyperbole here.) So we DO drink that much coffee! But qualitatively, not quantitatively, due to Matt's obstinate inability to brew a sane cup o' the good stuff.
Crazy. Maybe I should start watering mine down to save on milk instead...
Labels: "Cooking", Domesticity
posted by mags at 8:36 AM
3 Comments:
Several quick comments:
1. I've noticed that on my coffeemaker, when I want to make one cup of coffee, you have to fill it to the 2 cup line. So one cup of coffee requires the ingedients of what "they" consider to be two cups of coffee. SO my 12 cup coffeemaker really only makes 6 regular size mugs of coffee at a time.
2. If you want another use for coffee grounds, here's a craft I used to do with my K5 class- you have a big teddy bear shape cut out of brown construction paper- smear glue in a big circle on his belly and ears, sprinkle generously with coffee grounds and shake off the excess. Jimmy loved this too. Maybe Matt has been making huge families of coffee bears on the sly???
I'm laughing my head off at the image of Matt making "huge families of coffee bears" behind the closed and locked door of his room. He's also chortling at pulling such a fast one on you, and making you wonder where all the coffee went.
Also, when you mentioned adding "150 ccs of milk" it took me a sec before I realized that you were no longer talking about the tequila. Clearly, I need to stop reading your blog before MY morning coffee. :)
1. Liz, don't be such a practical kill-joy! I mean, thanks. You're probably right that that's an element of what's going on here. But that one sharing of purely practical insight, however true, just made my entire 20 minutes worth of posting null and void you cruel, cruel person. Unless there is an "Advice Wanted" label on the post, I think it should be assumed that practical insights = no fun.
2. You girls should have SEEN how hard Matt was laughing about his covert coffee-bear fettish... I nearly peed my pants laughing at him laughing...!!!
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