facing mortality

so the people around me seem determined to make me face their mortality and acknowledge how fragile the human mind and body is.

it looks as though my grandma isn't going to live much longer. she has alzheimers and has deteriorated immensely in the last couple weeks. i knew she wasn't doing well, but there is nothing that anyone can do or say to prepare you to see a loved one, an elder, who in the past held a position of authority in your life reduced to a mumbling babbling incoherent uncomprehending collection of bone, skin, and empty lifeless eyes. she wasn't even using words anymore. just sounds. i tried telling her stories and memories i had of her. i told her stories about her when she was young that she had told me. i dont know what i was expecting, i guess i just hoped i could say something that would at the very least make her eyes betray a spark of life. i pray that today was just a bad day for her. i'm not even sure if she knew if there was another person in the room.

my cousin michael was in an accident saturday night on his bike. all i knew was his face got bashed in pretty bad, he had a concussion and contusion and a broken collarbone, and as of last night he hadn't regained consciousness yet. it sounded really bad yesterday. but now today my aunt called my mom and apparently it wasn't quite as bad as it sounded, and it looks like he's going to be okay, though i still don't know too much situation. it was wretched the last 24 hrs wondering and not knowing if this was a life or death situation or not. you don't realize just how much you love someone until their premature demise is a real possibility screaming in your ear. i cringe thinking about how much i take those around me for granted.

and then there was this afternoon. i saw a man die today. when i was dropping phil off at the airport, there had been an accident going there on the freeway that was being cleaned up. on my way back the rain picked up again, big meaty drops, and as i was getting to where this accident was on the other side of the freeway about a quarter mile up in front of me some guy, i'm not even positive what happened, but i guess he hadn't seen the cars stopped/slowed down from the accident on his side, well he had hydroplaned (it was raining) or something and hit the barrier so hard that his car flipped up over it so it came down upsidedown half on our side, half on his, and was pretty much instantly a mass of flames and black smoke. so of course my side stopped and some men in the 5 or 6 cars ahead of me (also stopped)ran over right away to try to help (as well as the cops who ran over from the OTHER accident), but the car was flaming and the guy, well. yeah. it was horrible. i couldn't quite register it, standing in the pouring rain on the freeway watching the thick black smoke and huge flames from this bashed in car knowing full well that there was a person, a HUMAN BEING, trapped inside. someone with family friends, hopes, dreams... someone who might not have been ready for death.