So I quit the army today
No, that doesn't mean I don't work there anymore. It just means that I'm done trying. I had myself removed from the leadership position that I'm not qualified to be in (objectively.) I'm no longer going to the promotion board where I would have to lie to try to get rank that I don't deserve (objectively.) I'm done with caring about this fucked up, stupid army. I'm done working harder, done looking for things to do, done trying to take charge, done volunteering ideas and volunteering for tasks. I'm done.
I'm done with being angry, frustrated, laughed at and disappointed all because of how much I do care and how hard I do try. No more. I'm done trying to be something that isn't wanted. I'm done considering myself a failure when I don't achieve a standard that no one else is trying to meet. I'm done trying to lead people who don't want to be led and done trying to follow people who can't lead.
I'm done ironing my uniform and shining my boots every damn day (yep. gay as it is, I'm switching to the ACU.) I'm done caring if I'm 5 minutes late. I'm done trying to finish first in ruck marches, done with over-packing for ruck marches. I'm done with letting a damn fly crawl all over my motherfucking ear because you aren't supposed to move when at the position of attention. I'm done with putting on my headgear to walk 10 steps out of a building. I'm done running when I could walk and walking when I could just not go.
I'm going to hate it of course. I'm not even going to try to change instantly. I'm not even going to pretend that I really don't give a fuck about anything. I do care. I'll still do the things that matter right. There's not any other way.
But I'm not going to be all that I can be. That day is over. The rest of the army gave up on that years ago. Welcome to the motherfucking army of one less soldier who cares.
NOT FOR THIS ARMY
I'm done with being angry, frustrated, laughed at and disappointed all because of how much I do care and how hard I do try. No more. I'm done trying to be something that isn't wanted. I'm done considering myself a failure when I don't achieve a standard that no one else is trying to meet. I'm done trying to lead people who don't want to be led and done trying to follow people who can't lead.
I'm done ironing my uniform and shining my boots every damn day (yep. gay as it is, I'm switching to the ACU.) I'm done caring if I'm 5 minutes late. I'm done trying to finish first in ruck marches, done with over-packing for ruck marches. I'm done with letting a damn fly crawl all over my motherfucking ear because you aren't supposed to move when at the position of attention. I'm done with putting on my headgear to walk 10 steps out of a building. I'm done running when I could walk and walking when I could just not go.
I'm going to hate it of course. I'm not even going to try to change instantly. I'm not even going to pretend that I really don't give a fuck about anything. I do care. I'll still do the things that matter right. There's not any other way.
But I'm not going to be all that I can be. That day is over. The rest of the army gave up on that years ago. Welcome to the motherfucking army of one less soldier who cares.
NOT FOR THIS ARMY
Labels: Army stuff, work
posted by phil at 7:58 PM
2 Comments:
This was painful to read. Understandable... but painful. I'm so sorry.
those sound like incredibly frustrating circumstances. if you were that bothered and stressed, then good for you for changing your situation. but don't fail to be proud of yourself after busting your ass for so long!
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